FOR YOU

 FOR YOU

Remember

Smoky pipes and silly wind chimes, a bass playing on repeat

I had my eyes on you, but you looked away.. is this defeat?

A small chuckle from your friend beside you, thought it was funny

but I can't keep my eyes off you, shit's never that easy.

DAMIRES HILLS

That gathered wit and chance was never a good combo

As I delve into the abyss of loving you

You were beautifuL and more beautiful,

you were perfect and more. 

One-third of a dozen years loving you, 

but just one third of three years being beside you

we were apart and you never felt it

we were apart and it broke my wit.

To those times I wished you were beside me,

to the times I wished I could hold you

for the moments I missed being beside you

for the moments I wished, loVed and wished more of you.

It's funny really, as wishing is for the impossible and hoping is for the attainable

And so I look into the ocEan and think of you smiling

ironic, how you smile now keeps me scrolling for more while crying.

These tear-stricken face you will never see

for I want you to believe you deserve something more than me.

Here's a confession I'd like to make,

that after more than a Year of leaving 

I wished you had gone home to me and  kissed me,

hugged me, assured me and... stayed.

I have loved you more than anything, saw my future with yOu

but in this cruel conservative world that we live through

it will never accept me and you.

I don't see you weak, I see you strong

never think that for once, I hoped we never belonged.

Because it isn't easy to stay for something

that has no assUrance and perhaps time will eventually leave crumbling.

I have seen you happy without me, that's more than enough

Please never cry again, I hope I would always be the 'lesson' in your life

I wished I could have been more than just the ship in your shore,

but somebody else is set to be the home you will always adore

In times you'll forget, feel ugly and hopeless,

always remember someone like me behind lens loved you never the less

He may treat you and serve you like you're his only Princess,

but please ne'er forget me who made you my Queen and my love for you, priceless.   

Wherever. 

Whenever.

ALWAYS.

 

Back to Blogger

BACK FROM THE ABYSS

    So basically, these past few years I have been quite busy with my career and things were quite getting offhand. I took on a job since 2017 and worked my ass off since then. The year 2018 came with a rush, I took on a Master's degree, same for the year 2019 (where I thought I would be able to graduate) but that was the year I had learned how to work smart not hard. 

I flunked my Master's Comprehensive Exam and took on a refresher course, it was also at that time where the dreaded DENGUE SEASON came. Flash forward, I was taking my final semester in Master's and was awaiting for my exam schedule so I could shove the Thesis at my throat when COVID came.

YEP. And I had a hard time trying to stay alive and working to ensure the community stays safe. Worked on Facilities and even had arguments with higher-ups (that's just the way I am). This is the year 2021 and I managed to survive in the frontlines. 

But COVID was only the start.

During the pandemic, I had several things working on my mind that brought me several thoughts I had long forgotten.

MY DREAM OF TAKING UP MEDICINE.

I was busy with my lovelife and career in 2016 that I didn't pursue my dream. I had several reasons not to and I was adamant I will really survive. However, being imprisoned on that room with several other older colleagues, all the things I ever thought had crossed my mind.

It was really sad seeing all of them wishing they'd see their family, them lamenting that if it weren't for the big need of money they would have chosen to retire or work in the agricultural field (most of them owns several pieces of land by generations and though not quite large to be considered rich enough). I saw them being all hopeless as we were quarantined due to a local outbreak for the first time in our town.

That was the first time I saw their tear-stricken faces, their tired auras and the need for rest but they have children, they owe loans to banks and their husbands are earning next to nothing. They had to take on the reins of working because their husbands can't, won't or will never be able to work again. It was hard. They are paid constantly but it would never get bigger. And that's when I asked my self... do I plan to stay here forever? Don't get me wrong, government service pays big but the question is, when will you be able to enter? You will earn big during working, earn pension after but it would take the toll on you. 

I then took on my passion for learning. Stupid as I may be sometimes, but I hunger to learn new things. It was fascinating trying and knowing things I don't know, I even had a thing once for coding but I erased it as it would take me a few years to learn it on my own. My passion is to learn and taking up Medicine will eventually lead me to it. With this I had my core reason.

And a young 24-year old me thought about this for the next 19 days in quarantine.

When I got out, the first thing I did was to check on my college classmates. Most of them who works are now travelling, getting engaged or in other businesses, only few of them took up medicine and who's accounts are silent or dried up I don't even know if they are active anymore. This reminded me of the saying, "If you want to be great, you must disappear."

This was a road less taken.

I checked on NMAT and their registration period would already be in 2 days. I had to decide. And I secretly took the exam, paying everything straight from my minimum jobs wallet. I had to lie in their faces of why I had to go home early from work, of why I don't stay up late in drinking and binging sessions with my bros and why I had to lock up myself every night, working my ass off studying except for Sundays.

(For those taking up NMAT (Online Exam) in PH, goodluck! Notes are available online, I can point you to some references I used.)

I took it last January 30 and passed with 87 as my score. It was not that good but it was not bad too. My previous NMAT was 68, so for me, that was a wow factor. Four years working on the job and zero interaction with those test items, a few weeks of studying and pulling 87 was an achievement for me. It won't be great for you but it was great for me. XD

Fast forward and now, I am trying to apply in an infamous school known for their streaks of topnotcher physicians. I hope I get on with my dream school and start a new chapter of my life, this time with my dream and a decision with my choice. The feeling is different, it's exhilarating. It's like I've been waiting for this for all of my life. And this feeling was different when I was taking my Master's degree, failed or pass, it was as if 'nah, it's fine I will try harder again'.

So this must be the feeling of eagerness, of striving for things you yourself chose.

I won't promise to be frequent but I would try to revive this page time by time.